Adoption! Oh how it changes your life. Even before you have a birthmother match it is so emotional! You just never know when the next pitfall or mountain top is going to come.
Jeff and I started our adoption journey in July of 2007. We started by doing some research but not nearly enough. We found an out of town agency that came highly recommended; we check references, check with the Better Business Bureau. Everything seemed to be wonderful! We paid an enormous about of money up front because “you got a discount on fees if you paid up front”. Side note….don’t fall for that trick! We were accepted and everything was going to be great or so we thought! We were “promised” a baby in 9 months but a year would be the max we would have to wait. That was great news to us!
We got our monthly updates that told us how many babies they placed each quarter and how much we had moved up on the list. We were in heaven. Then in March of 2008 all communication from the agency stopped. We got NOTHING! So by June I started calling the agency always being very careful not to upset anyone because I felt like they held my baby in their hands. There was always a reason why the whole office staff was different and no one returned my emails. The excuses made sense. Remember we were desperate for a baby and were looking for any answer we could get. Finally in August we got a call from a new case worker that told me we were “so close” we needed to get our nursery ready. We would have a baby in just a matter of months. JOY, JOY, JOY! We stopped our lives to get our nursery ready for our baby. We revamped our profile to include the pictures of the nursery. We were ready! All we needed was a baby! Then NOTHING again!
I knew in my heart that something was wrong. It was something that I pushed to the back of my mind as much as I could because I did not know what to do or how to face it. We paid to much money to look back now! I thought I would just pray harder and everything would be ok! Finally in January of 2009 I could not stand it anymore. I spent days crying and hiding it from my family and friends. I would stay in bed but tell everyone I had a headache. My extended family was at dinner together one night when I could not hold it in anymore. I jumped up from the table and ran to the restroom crying like (what else) a baby! Poor Jeff followed me and had to do some fast talking to the restaurant staff and other women in the restroom as to why he was going in after me! When he got to me all I could say was something is just not right. That is all I knew!
The following Monday Jeff and my Mother decided they would go to the agency office (they had opened a regional office the near-by town) and check on everything just to give me peace of mind! I had no idea they were going but in their minds they were going to get answers for me and settle my nerves. I was just over reacting. Yeah right! Jeff called me just as I got to my desk that morning and said “are you sitting down, I have something to tell you”. I knew right away it was not good. He went on to tell me that they had gone to check things out and the regional office did not exist. We agreed to meet at home and take a trip to the Home Office 4 hours away. After dong a quick internet search we found a website that had horror stories about the agency and a post saying if you were a client of theirs to contact the Department of Human Services immediately. On the way over we called the State Department of Human Services only to find out there were numerous complaints and the agency and owner were not responding to DHS request. They were in the process of trying to relinquish the agency license. The very sweet and overwhelmed lady on the other end of the line knew she was breaking my heart but she said to me “honey, you will not get a baby from this agency. Your money is gone. It is a scam.” My heart sank! I cried, I laughed, I cussed, and I sat silently! It was the hardest ride of my life!
When we got to the agency, which by the way was a rundown house, the owner told us about the hard times he had fallen on? His wife left him, he had an employee that stole $500,000 from him (but he did not file a police report), he had someone that was stealing birthmothers and adoptive families from him. He cried us a river and made it sound wonderful! Then he told me we were not faithful enough and we were not praying enough! It was all I could do not to hit him. How dare he tell me I wasn’t praying enough? I was praying every time I could and then some! We were faithful! We were doing everything we knew to do; we had been patient never asking a question or raising a doubt for 18 months now. We had done everything they had asked of us and more. We left the office heartbroken and feeling like our baby had died. Jeff was angry - I was just devastated! I was truly broken! Pretty soon the agency closed, all of our money and assets were gone, and the FBI is investigating for fraud and money laundering. Close to 100 families were taken advantage of! After a hearing with the Department of Human Services the agency surrendered their license. The FBI investigated for some time and promised the agency’s clients that justice would be done but in the end the case was dropped for not enough evidence.
We came home and wallowed in pity for a day or two and then I jumped right back in. Somehow God gave me another burst of energy to stand up and fight….I would not let the devil win this battle. I knew in my heart that God’s plan was adoption for us and I had to keep listening to him and following his lead to my baby. We found an agency in Florida that was and still is wonderful. Without much thought and a little prayer we jumped in with them. They did not need any money up front so that was great! In part of the “paperwork” process for this Christian Based agency we had to write down our statement of faith. It had to include my journey to Christ, Jeff’s journey to Christ, and our journey with Christ since we have been married. We are both Christians but sitting down and writing about our Christian life was not something we had every done or even knew how to start. It seemed like it took days but we got it done! We turned in our paper work and began the wait all over again.
After several months of waiting, I started to get the feeling that something was missing or just not right about our plan. I started to pray asking God to 1. Give me peace of mind if that was the agency we were supposed to be with or 2. If not to lead us to the right place. On Mother’s Day 2009 I got up early. I never get up early and Sunday’s seem to always be worse and I am making a mad dash out the door to make it to church on time. I had been looking at “available situations” on the internet for several weeks but I just felt like I was torturing myself and that I could not trust any of those anyway. I had prayed about that too. I had asked God to help he fight the urge to look at those sights because it was just too painful. BUT since I had a few minutes I sat down and found myself searching again for any adoption situation I felt like might be real. I found a posting from an agency case worker that needed a family for a particular situation. I emailed the case worker. I was excited! When I got home late that night I realized the post was from January not May. I lost hope again! I tried to put that website and that agency out of my mind. It was just another dead end and I was going to get hurt all over again. But the case worker called me on Monday and we hit if off right away. I told her our story and she told me about the agency! Jeff and I wanted to pray about it and give it a day or two. Where would we get the money again? We just felt like it was right so we took a leap of faith! Our parent came through for us with the money – thanks ya’ll! The case worker asked me if we had a statement of faith we could send her and when we got the rest of the paperwork complete we could mail it to her. I emailed her the statement of faith and stated the paperwork the next day. We signed our contract and mailed it that Thursday.
The paperwork was received the following Tuesday. Remember this is less than a week since we signed our paperwork. Our initial fees had not even been mailed to the agency yet. Our case worked called Tuesday morning to tell me she needed to talk to me. I just assumed that something was wrong with the application. She told me that she had sent our profile to a girl that was looking for a family but having problems finding the right one. And she wanted to talk to us THAT DAY! Our schedules did not work out and we ended up meeting her by phone the next day on Wednesday evening. She was wonderful! We had never talked to a potential match before. I really didn’t know how it went but I felt good about it. Our case worker assured us it went well and she would call us as soon as she heard something. The case worker called the very next morning and said she liked us and we were a MATCH! YEAH! Praise the Lord finally a match! Our agency later told me that our statement of faith and a bible verse that we had on our nursery wall was part of the reason our birthmother picked us.
Our birthmother, was very early in her pregnancy unlike a lot of situations. She was not due until late October. This gave us a lot of time to get to know her. We talked at least weekly by phone and sent a ton of text messages. There were good days and bad days for us and for her. I always thought once we were match the hard part was over but that is certainly not true. There are so many emotions that both the adoptive parents and the birthmother are feeling and they very rarely match. Don’t get me wrong – she handled the situation as well as anyone could expect but it was not easy for her. It wasn’t easy for me either. There were days we really loved each other and there were days we really didn’t like each other. It is just a hard situation and there are not a set of rules to follow. None of us had ever been in this situation before and we were flying by the seat of our pants. Thank goodness God had it all under control!
In late summer we drove from Mississippi to Iowa to meet our birthmother and her family. If we weren’t in love before the trip we certainly were after. They were awesome! There was an ultrasound scheduled for the Friday we were in town so Jeff and I could go and see our baby. We already knew it was a boy – Baby Jake, but finally seeing him was the most amazing thing ever. All I could do was sit on the edge of me seat and cry. I wanted to rub the screen and touch my baby but I had the pictures and I could wait a little longer.
She was scheduled for induction on October 22. Jeff, me, my Mom, and my Dad made the drive once again to Iowa for Jakes big arrival. We got there a couple days early. We went to Jake’s birth grandmothers house for dinner and that was a wonderful experience. We had time to get to know each other and our extend families had a chance to meet. I am so thankful for that opportunity. Jake was born at 9:30am on October 22. Our birhtmother her family spent time with him first and then Jeff and I were called in to meet our little man. I remember how hard going in to that room seemed to me. Of course I wanted to see my baby but I wanted to make sure she was OK too. Jeff went to Jake and I went to her. She said she was OK and just glad to have the delivery over. Bless her, it had not been the physically best pregnancy and she was miserable most of the time. As soon as I held him I felt complete. What a feeling that is! All I could do was stare at him. He was beautiful, absolutely perfect! We have awesome pictures of those days in the hospital. Jake will have pictures of his first few days in the world with both families that love him. They are priceless and I am so thankful for that opportunity.
The days following were good days but tough emotional days for all of us. We had good times and then really bad, hard times. But again, none of us had ever done this before and it is so emotional and hard. The feelings I had at this time were the rawest feelings I have ever had in my life. Our birthmother was struggling with her decision. We were struggling with the thought of loosing Jake. Ugh….it was hard! But we made it! .
Our journey has been long and winding and hard and at times I felt like it was up hill most of the way! But I finally feel like we are at the top of the hill and we will be coasting from this point forward. Jake is an awesome little man. He is a hit everywhere we go! Our entire family is absolutely head over heels in love with him. He is very famous around town. People are just shocked to find out he is adopted and is normal and healthy and happy. People are so funny with their expectations. Maybe it is just the south, but I have had people in Wal-Mart hear me say he is adopted and they say “oh let me see him”. He doesn’t have an extra nose or anything, he is a normal baby! I always make sure to share Jakes story with anyone that will listen. Adoption gets a lot of negative press but very rarely anything good. I want people to know that he is our son, we love him and he loves us. We are a normal family! Our journey to each other was just a little different than most. But he is a cutie, don’t ya think??
We know that God lead us to this agency and to this baby for a reason. We have taken a lot of side trips to find the right destination but we are finally here! Praise the Lord! God is so good!
I know now why some of the side trips were taken.
1. With our first agency God taught me to pray for people that I really don’t want to pray for and to keep praying when I feel like giving up.
2. If we had not signed with our second agency we would not have had a statement of faith available for our birthmother to read.
Oh what a journey!
Just remember on your journey, God doesn’t promise the road will be smooth but He promises to be with us every step of the way! And He has not let me and Jeff down! There have been times when I cried and begged God for a baby but it was not in His plan! Now I know why! God had a better plan for us and it perfect! His plan was for us to be Jake’s Momma and Daddy and I am so glad it was!
My God is an AWESOME God!
